I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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