This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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