I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
