I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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