Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
All the doctor said was why
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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