i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I deserve this hangover.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
