it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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