He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
