Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
