dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
