I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
