i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My life is pants optional.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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