i think i have herpe
just one?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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