3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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