I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
