She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
