His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
