Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
