i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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