$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize