i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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