I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
