xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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