Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
