Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
