the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize