so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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