Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You ruined the universe
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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