Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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