Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
