You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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