wrigley field is MILF paradise
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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