We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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