I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
