He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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