Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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