i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize