i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
