Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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