my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
