I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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