dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
