Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
