Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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