life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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