1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
