I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
