Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
