"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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