note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
