I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
