i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize