I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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