I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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