i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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