i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
