Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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