you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
