I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
