We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
