I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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