was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
