My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
